What’s your point?

I know I’ll never be a poet. For one thing, I rarely have any deep insights that would benefit from a pithy exploration of inner psychological details, historical events, or trees.

I am, however, particularly drawn to writing headlines, coming up with puns to make even the strongest editor cry, and cracking jokes. Which makes me the perfect writer for crafting misleading descriptions of popular works of literature which intentionally miss the point.

And so today, I offer you my list inspired by the supposedly true story of a description of The Wizard of Oz which once appeared in TV Guide. It is said to have read A young girl travels to a magical land where she kills the first person that she meets, then joins with others to kill again.

To Kill a Mockingbird — Recluse reluctantly drawn into community affairs.

Jurassic Park — Entrepreneur surprised when genetic experiments go awry.

The Bonfire of the Vanities — Arrogant bond salesman arrested for murder.

Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil — New Yorker documents Southern bachelor’s protracted legal battle.

The Princess Bride — Improbable romance diverts recovering boy.

Of Mice and Men — Social interactions perplex mentally challenged farm worker.

Roots — Black author’s genealogy quest proves successful.

Lonesome Dove — Accidental shooting impacts Old West events. Lonesome Gus

Raising Arizona — Man finds ingenious solution to wife’s fertility problems.

The Crying Game — Romance blossoms between kindhearted IRA foot soldier and English free spirit.

A Simple Plan — Downed plane provides Minnesota couple with windfall.

My Left Foot — Handicap limits boy’s interactions with others.

The Stand — Altered virus proves remarkably efficient.

Amadeus — Institutionalized musician reflects upon colleague’s career.

The World According to Garp — Fatherless writer settles into domestic life, with mixed results.

Dangerous Liaisons — Complex coiffures, raiment provide little hindrance to promiscuity.

Cold Mountain — Walking home can take a really long time.

The Bridges of Madison CountyNational Geographic foots bill for randy photographer’s conquests.

O Brother Where Art Thou? — Latent musical ability discovered in trio of escaped convicts.

Girl With a Pearl Earring — Servant girl’s domestic duties interrupted by master’s whims.

I see blog people

The Sixth Sense — Hallucinations worrisome for Philadelphia youth.

Vanilla Sky — Man grapples with issues surrounding reconstructive surgery.

The Executioner’s Song — Ex-con struggles to re-enter society.

Mulan — Young Chinese girl discovers father’s armor fits her comfortably.

The Sound of Music — Austrian postulant revises career choice.

A Tree Grows in Brooklyn — Arboreal nuisance achieves rapid growth in urban setting.

Back to the Future — Son seeks origin of parents’ romance.

Boogie Nights — Aspiring actor makes logical career choice.

Catch Me If You Can — Ambitious student explores several career options.

Coal Miner’s Daughter — Mountain lass marries young, moves far from home.

Escape from New York — Experimental penal colony established despite risk.

Lemony Snicket’s A Series of Unfortunate Events — Orphans persevere despite custody issues.

Saturday Night Fever — Spare-time pursuits of paint-store employee documented.

One Hundred and One Dalmatians — Societal consequences of lack of spay/neuter policy explored.

Rear Window — Shut-in occupies time between girlfriend’s visits.

The Da Vinci Code — Man offers surprising interpretation of Biblical events.

An American Werewolf in London — Injured during a trip abroad, a college student finds romance with nurse.

A werewolf and his nurse

Back to the Future — Son seeks origin of parents’ romance.

Splash — Woman from overseas adjusts to American life.

A Few Good Men — Naval official surprised by consequences of his actions.

Alien — Space voyage diverted by unexpected event.

Apollo 13 — Astronauts struggle with home, work issues.

Beetlejuice — Young couple surprised by accident’s outcome.

Total Recall — Man struggles with realization of marital betrayal.

We have a 2319

If you’re like me and have children, you’ve seen most Disney movies approximately 3,298 times each. In addition, you probably foresee a future when you watch one Pixar offering or another at least another dozen times or so before it’s retired and the kiddoes have moved on to MTV, Horders, slasher flicks or some other horror that passes for popular entertainment.

But some of us are still squarely in the Cars, Up, Finding Nemo, and Monsters Inc. phase. With each repeated viewing, the dialogue becomes ever more cemented in we, the adults,’ consciousness and with alarming frequency, we start quoting them as we go about our daily lives.

To take an example from television, any form of agreement is now rendered, in my house, as “Yes. Yes I am,” a la Phineas from each episode of Phineas and Ferb on the Disney Channel. “Aren’t you a little young to be building a nuclear reactor?” he’ll be asked. “Yes. Yes I am.”

Similarly, we went through an intensive few years when Trassie was addicted to the Disney/Pixar feature Cars. At one point Mater, the grungy tow-truck voiced by Larry the Cable Guy, is asked if he’s got his tow cable. “Well yeah, I’ve always got mah tow-cable,” he answers. Now, if anyone is asked if they’ve got a particularly something with them … purse, car keys, water bottle, whatever … the answer is always, “Well, yeah, I’ve always got my tow cable.”

Which brings us to Monsters Inc., a general favorite and in heavy rotation a few years ago. If you recall the movie, you’ll remember that it’s a huge plot point when the scream factory is contaminated with an artifact of the human world. A sock returns to Monster World with a monster just fresh from a kid’s closet. Immediately there is a shut-down on par with a nuclear core meltdown. Decontamination experts are dropped from the ceiling. It’s a 2319!!

Much to our amusement, the address of the local elementary school which Christopher attended for one year and where now Trassie is a kindergartner is 2319.

Yes, sirree. The location that is filled to the brim with children, those toxic beings of Monsters Inc. The individuals who could bring Monster World to its knees, to quote the movie, merely with their mind powers are contained each day within a school at street address 2319.

This amuses us to no end … and often, when we take one child or another over there, it is just impossible not to say, “We have a 2319! 2319!”

It helps if you can make your voice sound like it’s being broadcast over a PA system.

“2319! 2319! Bye kids, have a great day! If anyone tries to run from you, don’t pick them up with your mind powers, now, and shake them like a dog!”