I know I’ll never be a poet. For one thing, I rarely have any deep insights that would benefit from a pithy exploration of inner psychological details, historical events, or trees.
I am, however, particularly drawn to writing headlines, coming up with puns to make even the strongest editor cry, and cracking jokes. Which makes me the perfect writer for crafting misleading descriptions of popular works of literature which intentionally miss the point.
And so today, I offer you my list inspired by the supposedly true story of a description of The Wizard of Oz which once appeared in TV Guide. It is said to have read A young girl travels to a magical land where she kills the first person that she meets, then joins with others to kill again.
To Kill a Mockingbird — Recluse reluctantly drawn into community affairs.
Jurassic Park — Entrepreneur surprised when genetic experiments go awry.
The Bonfire of the Vanities — Arrogant bond salesman arrested for murder.
Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil — New Yorker documents Southern bachelor’s protracted legal battle.
The Princess Bride — Improbable romance diverts recovering boy.
Of Mice and Men — Social interactions perplex mentally challenged farm worker.
Roots — Black author’s genealogy quest proves successful.
Lonesome Dove — Accidental shooting impacts Old West events. 
Raising Arizona — Man finds ingenious solution to wife’s fertility problems.
The Crying Game — Romance blossoms between kindhearted IRA foot soldier and English free spirit.
A Simple Plan — Downed plane provides Minnesota couple with windfall.
My Left Foot — Handicap limits boy’s interactions with others.
The Stand — Altered virus proves remarkably efficient.
Amadeus — Institutionalized musician reflects upon colleague’s career.
The World According to Garp — Fatherless writer settles into domestic life, with mixed results.
Dangerous Liaisons — Complex coiffures, raiment provide little hindrance to promiscuity.
Cold Mountain — Walking home can take a really long time.
The Bridges of Madison County — National Geographic foots bill for randy photographer’s conquests.
O Brother Where Art Thou? — Latent musical ability discovered in trio of escaped convicts.
Girl With a Pearl Earring — Servant girl’s domestic duties interrupted by master’s whims.
The Sixth Sense — Hallucinations worrisome for Philadelphia youth.
Vanilla Sky — Man grapples with issues surrounding reconstructive surgery.
The Executioner’s Song — Ex-con struggles to re-enter society.
Mulan — Young Chinese girl discovers father’s armor fits her comfortably.
The Sound of Music — Austrian postulant revises career choice.
A Tree Grows in Brooklyn — Arboreal nuisance achieves rapid growth in urban setting.
Back to the Future — Son seeks origin of parents’ romance.
Boogie Nights — Aspiring actor makes logical career choice.
Catch Me If You Can — Ambitious student explores several career options.
Coal Miner’s Daughter — Mountain lass marries young, moves far from home.
Escape from New York — Experimental penal colony established despite risk.
Lemony Snicket’s A Series of Unfortunate Events — Orphans persevere despite custody issues.
Saturday Night Fever — Spare-time pursuits of paint-store employee documented.
One Hundred and One Dalmatians — Societal consequences of lack of spay/neuter policy explored.
Rear Window — Shut-in occupies time between girlfriend’s visits.
The Da Vinci Code — Man offers surprising interpretation of Biblical events.
An American Werewolf in London — Injured during a trip abroad, a college student finds romance with nurse.
Back to the Future — Son seeks origin of parents’ romance.
Splash — Woman from overseas adjusts to American life.
A Few Good Men — Naval official surprised by consequences of his actions.
Alien — Space voyage diverted by unexpected event.
Apollo 13 — Astronauts struggle with home, work issues.
Beetlejuice — Young couple surprised by accident’s outcome.
Total Recall — Man struggles with realization of marital betrayal.
I lay the blame on the super-hot temperatures we had in late June and early July. It was, honest-to-God, 105 degrees in the Fahrenheit one Saturday afternoon, and that pretty much killed any grass-like foliage I had growing both in front of and behind my house. Thus ensued Bare Spots, in which the dormant weeds, awakened by the monsoons rains which followed the HtG 105-degree weather, flourished.
This big thing here, which sprouted and took off during the monsoon portion of the summer’s proceedings, I believe to be an example of the 
year. Oh I could be weeding and tidying every waking moment that I’m not working or feeding my hungry huddled masses, but something tells me it wouldn’t make a vast amount of difference. So I embrace my embarrassing yard, and the neighborhood association can just get over itself. If the apocalypse truly does come, I’ll be able to feed my family! I’ve got a crop of millet!
Really, how could you even make that kind of a mistake? Even given that I’m a semi Broadway geek, at that? I chalk it up to a life more or less in the news business. As a former reporter and college political science major, it’s just in my nature to keep up with current events, even when I’m not particularly keeping up with current events. This happens frequently during Big News Stories. After a solid week of tsunami coverage, though something like this is intensely interesting, important, and grave, I still get on overload and take a break from daily NPR, CNN, and Facebook friends’ updates. Consequently I miss other stories that they manage to squeeze in between Snooki and Tan Mom updates.
But hey, it more or less pegs me for who and what I am, when I make these hare-brained assumptions. I know pop culture, but it’s my pop culture. Call me if you need market research on the nerdy preferences of a Southern/midwestern white lady of a certain age. Just keep me out of the jungles of Southeast Asia if at all possible.
It is true. Just look at these things, would you? They are the Vivienne Westwood Regent Boot and they retail for a whopping $725. Now, despite my professed love for shoes, I am truly not a haute couture shoe maven extraordinaire. No, those fashionistas who really know their stuff would no doubt laugh at my provincialism when it comes to high-end footwear. Oh, I would generally know a 
NouveauSoileau 